Reported by Myron Hacktor of the Freepress Daily Inquiry

There is yet more scandal in the Republican party since it was recently discovered that an unmarried Republican senator, John Freeman from Nebraska, has had an affair with an unnamed, unmarried woman. Both are approximately the same age, neither have been married before or have any children from a previous relationship. The Republican leadership is calling for his resignation.

In other news, Democrats showed up at a town hall meeting for a health-care debate in Rural Illinois and gave up their Constitutional rights of mob behavior and free speech by having a rational debate.

Finally, it is confirmed, Obama is indeed a black man…well half…who was born in Hawaii, was elected the 44th president of the United States and has chosen not to be the “Decider”. Against modern precedent, he has given that role to Congress.

And other scandal in this country, it has been discovered that Sonia Sotomayor, despite her testimony to Congress stating that she is an emotionless automaton, has a secret stash of empathy.

By Myron Hacker, for the Midwest Herald Times Courier Review Journal

As hundreds of same sex couples across California rush to get married, religious conservatives and others warn that the institution of marriage will become meaningless as a result. And in fact, heterosexual married men across the country are now cheering because they can now abandon their wives without any feelings of guilt or regret — and then they can blame it on homosexuals.

In the wake of flooding throughout the Midwest, developers are buying up land from homeowners who bought houses in floodplains and wetlands from earlier developers, and are weary of being flooded out of their homes every year. The Floodplain Developers Association predicts above average profits next year as a new crop of unwitting buyers flock to buy new houses on the banks of major rivers and tributaries.

The president (Bush) has been touring Europe, likely to be his last visit during his presidency. They hope. At a press conference Bush said what a wonderful country Europe was, and that once they solved their healthcare crisis, especially in France and England, citizens of Europe would begin to see the same economic prosperity that was now taking place in the U.S..

Dick Cheney growled at reporters in response to all questions, and therefore there are no quotes or news to report about the leader of the free world.

In Senate hearings Carl Levin is leading an investigation into the mistreatment and torture of suspected terrorists. In his opening statement, Levin said that he and other Democrats were finally waking up from their five year nap, and that it was going to take time to catch up with the events of the past several years, “yawn”.

Following a short visit to the hospital for a terrible headache that he thought might be a brain tumor, Joe Lieberman was diagnosed with a rare multiple personality disorder. To respect Lieberman’s privacy, they would not elaborate or describe any of the symptoms or actions that made him suspect.

And finally, a block of suburban middle class white voters are starting a campaign to have Barack Obama officially declared white. That way they can vote for him and they don’t have to feel bad about electing a black guy.